5 Guys I Would Eat Chives For

Happy Friday!

So, I was originally going to title this post “5 Guys I Would Let Make Me Breakfast”, but let’s get real, why would I EVER stop anyone from making me breakfast? I’m not a psychopath. If you want to make me breakfast, then good god, get moving!

Since it’s Friday and for most of you, that means it’s the weekend, I have decided to post something kind of fluffy and fun. I don’t think anyone wants to kick off their weekend by readings posts about euthanasia or The Holocaust. Not that I think I will ever write posts about euthanasia or The Holocaust, I’m just saying it’s not happening today.

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of guys with nice faces and it’s also no secret that I am not a fan of chives. Chives are disgusting. They are a terrible garnish and they need to get the hell off of my baked potato. The only place a chive belongs is in the trashcan, do I make myself clear?!?

However, there are certain guys that have such nice faces, I would be willing to pile those green bastards on top of everything I ate if it meant that I could eat with said men.

So here they are: The 5 Guys I Would Eat Chives For.

5. Adam Levine


When I Fell in Love: Saw Maroon 5 in concert in 2003 and about lost my damn mind. Also, my middle name is “Jane” so I used to like to pretend believe that the album “Songs About Jane” was Adam’s subtle way of writing about me. It’s fine.

Boyfriend can rock that sleeve of tattoos. Don’t know what it is lately, but tattoo sleeves are really doing it for me. And listen, if Adam had regular sleeves on, that would be fine too. It’s chilly out, I understand you need to cover up those arms and stay warm.

Food I Would Put Chives On So I Could Eat With Him: Eggs. He seems like kind of a player, so I’m not going to full on commit and put the chives on something I truly enjoy. A girl has some priorities after all…

4. Leonardo DiCaprio



When I Fell in Love: I’ve been a fan since his Growing Pains days, but the true love did not really come until that moment in Romeo + Juliet when he sinks to the ground, shirt open, crying and screams out “I defy you stars!” Like…come on…

Not to mention, boyfriend has aged WELL. Cute kid, hot teenager, handsome man. Leo has been hitting all the right notes. Look at that face! I will say though, his twitter…super boring. Don’t care. Still following. Good face.

Food I Would Put Chives On So I Could Eat With Him: Panda Express’s Orange Chicken. One of my favorite guilty pleasures and the chives would probably make it taste like something you’d find next to a dumpster in New York City in the summer. But, I’d take the hit if it meant Leo and I got to sit in that booth. He’d probably cry into my shoulder about having never won an Oscar, and most of the time when men cry, I get super uncomfortable, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WON’T WIPE THOSE TEARS RIGHT AWAY FOR YOU, LEO. YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST GOTTEN A NOM FOR DJANGO!

3. Chris Hemsworth


When I Fell in Love: Thor.

Look at that Australian bastard walking around like he owns the place. Get out of here, you doting father and husband! No one wants to hear your adorable accent or look at your nice face! Ugh!

Food I Would Put Chives On So I Could Eat With Him: Bacon. I’d put chives on my bacon. The perfect food ruined by the most heinous food on this green earth. All for that idiot with the “so-so” body. Pft.

2. Matt Smith


When I Fell in Love: Doctor Who, Series 5, in the episode “Vincent and the Doctor”. First episode of Doctor Who I have ever seen and I was a goner.

Frankly, I don’t even get this one. He is basically just a giraffe with a rectangle for a face with hair on top. But man, if he isn’t one sexy giraffe with a rectangle for a face with hair on top.

His portrayal of the Doctor is brilliant and I think that’s part of my willingness to eat the chives. He’s an insanely talented actor who dresses like a homeless hipster. I think if I had a type, it would be the type of guy who dresses like a homeless hipster.


why, Hollis….why….

Food I Would Put Chives On So I Could Eat With Him: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I’m pretty sure Reese’s Cups come straight from heaven, so the idea tarnishing them with chives makes me want to absolutely vomit. But I would do it for you, giraffe-man.






When I Fell in Love: I don’t know if I can remember a time when I didn’t love this man, but if we have to put a title on it, I’ll say: The Hangover. I thought he was nice to look at before, but his long hair WAS. A. GAME. CHANGER. I just want to run my hands through it. Augh!

Oh, Bradley. When are we going to stop this cat and mouse game and finally make it official?? And by cat and mouse game, I mean the game we play where I love Bradley unconditionally and he doesn’t acknowledge my existence.


Those are the ugliest sunglasses in the world and he still makes them work!

Food I Would Put Chives On So I Could Eat With Him: Chives. I would eat chives upon chives upon chives. I would live in a house made of chives and wear chive t-shirts and make chive soup every day. I’d sleep in a bed made of chives and brush my teeth with a chivebrush. Chives for everyone provided by Mr. and Mrs. Bradley Cooper!!!

So I hope you enjoyed this post. It wasn’t super fascinating but it WAS an excuse for me to complain about chives and google image search a bunch of dudes that I find attractive. Happy Friday indeed!!

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6 Responses to 5 Guys I Would Eat Chives For

  1. Jenn says:

    Hollis, you seriously make my day with your writing. You are so funny. I would read anything you wrote.

  2. qoftu says:

    Highly accurate list. Reminds me of a dream I had about Bradley Cooper being a zombie. Nothing chive related in that but, uh, BRADLEY COOPER. 🙂

  3. Senhor Wynn says:

    Jane, you’re a very funny girl. Funny, clever, and a good writer. I can’t speak to your chances of becoming an actress, but I can say with some sense of certainty that you would definitely make it as a writer/producer. That’s right, a slasher (OK, they call them hyphenates but that sounds like they’re grammatical examples and not people). I’ve only ever been a writer (except for a few small roles in smaller movies like California Dreaming, but why mention that? This isn’t about me, it’s about YOU!). I do feel quite certain that you will become a success. You’ve got chutzpah, child! Chutzpah plus vision plus talent usually = success. In your case I don’t see a way out.

  4. Hey, read your reddit ama and that led me to your blog. I’ve been looking for a funny new blog to follow and this specific post was what convinced me to add yours to my reading list. Thanks for making me laugh on a Saturday afternoon while nursing a wicked hangover!

  5. The Matt Smith description is probably one of the best descriptions of someone I’ve ever read.

  6. TB says:

    Ohhhh, Bradley Cooper. I love him too. You’ll have to fight me for him (and he’ll have to fight my husband for me, but c’mon, Bradley Cooper could easily kick my husband’s ass). I recently moved to the Philadelphia area, and since he’s from here, I always fantasize running into him while out and about. He’s always very nice in my fantasies, and his hair smells good.

    Oh yes, Bradley Cooper. You have great taste. I will now follow you on Twitter. 🙂

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