Recently, I’ve been going through kind of a hard time. Without getting into it too much, I’ll just say there has been a proverbial black cloud hanging over my head the past few months. And as anyone who has gone through this type of thing knows, the black cloud likes to stick around. He likes to whisper in my ear when I’m happy, yell in my face when I’m sad or really just keep me company through any emotion. It’s not that much fun and no offense, black cloud, but…you’re kind of an asshole. The issue with my black cloud is that he is always hungry. He mainly subsists on a diet of stress, bills, car insurance, panic, insecurity and self-doubt. The more I feed him, the hungrier he gets and then I have to feed him even more and I can’t stop. So he keeps eating and eating and that makes him bigger and bigger and the whole thing is just an ugly cycle.
It’s no secret to the people closest to me know that my black cloud has been hanging around lately. When someone is close to you, truly close to you, you usually can’t hide. James (roommate and best friend) knows this possibly better than anyone.
And the thing about James is…he is magic. It’s hard to describe but, he is. So, he gave me an assignment. Not matter how small the list, no matter how menial…make a list of things that make you happy. The things that you can’t help but smile when you think about, the things that make the black cloud cower in fear and shrink just the tiniest bit.
So, I tried this a few days ago. My first list had 3 things: my mom, my friends, and something private I’m not going to put on a public blog.
That’s it. That was all I could think of. Of all of the hundreds of people, songs, emotions, colors, animals, and movies that make me happy…I could only think of 3 things.
But today, I’m feeling a little better and I’d like to try that list again.
So here it is…A List of Things that Make Me Stupid Happy.
Oh man. Where would I be without you, you sweet, sweet nectar of the Gods? No matter what I’m feeling, or how big my cloud is, coffee gives me a reason to leave my bed in the morning. That first sip…nothing quite like it. If you don’t like coffee, well, good for you but know that I think of you as a lesser human being and I WISH I WAS KIDDING. If I could replace my blood with coffee I would. And then I would probably smell like coffee which is just an added bonus. So coffee….thank you. Thank you for always being there for me. There’s no one I’d rather wake up with.
2. The Gone Girl Trailer
OH MAN! I am SO excited for this movie. I watch this at least 5 times a week. David Fincher is my favorite director and a genius so I was so curious about how this was going to turn out. Well, the first trailer came out and I LOST MY DAMN MIND. It looks great! And Affleck has never looked better. After my first viewing of the trailer, I picked up the book by Gillian Flynn and stayed up all night reading it. I highly recommend going to your nearest book store or iPad or Kindle or Nook and getting it immediately. You know what, go, read it, then watch the trailer, THEN come back and finish reading this blog. I’ll wait. Then we could even talk about it if you want! How do you feel about the ending?? I loved it! Let’s chat!
3. Snapchatting with my Cousins, Brittany and Shane
Pictures of cats with inappropriate human anatomy drawn on (Shane), videos provided by alcohol (both), the ugliest selfies (Britt), inside jokes from 20 years ago (both). This is the type of gold I am sent by these two humans on a daily basis and nothing brings a bigger smile to my face in those 10 second increments. Pictures not available because these are precious gems that I wouldn’t even think of screencapping. So here’s a picture of Brittany and I as cute kids:
4. This Gif of Red Pandas Getting Scared
I MEAN, COME ON.
5. Van Gogh
A few years ago, my aunt asked who my favorite artist was and I couldn’t answer right away and that really bothered me. I always like a lot of things, but I pride myself on always being able to pick a favorite of something. I can name my favorite book, movie, song without flinching. And I can say them with absolute faith that they are my favorite. So not having a favorite artist bothered me. I actually took a week and just looked at art book upon art book. I was a sponge. And then it hit me. Van Gogh. It actually happened when I was looking at one of his self-portraits from 1889, the year before he died. He just had such a sadness behind his eyes and my heart ached. I’m actually going to take the next month to visit every Museum in LA that houses a work by Van Gogh and see them and I can say it is truly something I am looking forward to. The black cloud is not invited.
I don’t think I could find anything simpler that can make me happy. Just one of the greatest works of mankind ever created.
7. Fall Out Boy
This one has stuck with me since 2005. Some of my best memories are just driving around in my mom’s mini-van with Kerri, TCBY or Starbucks in hand, and singing along to Fall Out Boy at the top of our lungs. It was the epitome high school angst music. I mean, they came up with the perfect lyrics for a 16 year-old girl to add to her AIM profile: “I keep my jealousy close cause it’s all mine and if you say this makes you happy then I’m not the only one lying“. SUCH ANGST.
Their newest album “Save Rock and Roll” came out last year and I’m still adding songs from it to my “Currently Listening To” playlist on Spotify. Also, Patrick Stump has turned into quiet the little hottie, so. There’s another bonus.
Speaking of hotties…
8. The 11th Doctor
If you and I talk in real life for more than 15 minutes, I’m probably going to bring up Doctor Who. Just let it happen. It’s unavoidable.
I love the entire series, but man, do I care for the 11th Doctor and his relationship with Amy Pond. I’m actually going to stop writing about how happy this makes me because if I keep going, I will end up abandoning this entire post just to watch Amy’s Choice, Vincent and the Doctor, The Eleventh Hour. But just know, that even when my black cloud is at his stormiest and blackest, the mere thought of this show can still make me smile.
My little sister. The best person I know. The past eleven years of my life have been made brighter and better by her mere presence. When I was thirteen and found out my mom was pregnant, I was angry. I thought this baby would ruin my life, steal all of the attention I had always had (being the youngest), and just generally be a nuisance. I was an immature child.
The first time I saw her, laying there, covered in a blanket, probably only 5 minutes old, I started weeping. I couldn’t help myself, the tears just kept coming and coming. I didn’t even know what was happening. I could not understand it. I wasn’t upset. My mom thought I was crying tears of anger or sadness. She kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying “Nothing! Nothing!” and then it finally clicked. They were tears of happiness. I’d never cried like that before or felt that kind of immediate love for something or someone.
And ever since that moment, my life has been changed for the better. She is smart and funny and kind and I am in awe of the person she is becoming.
10. My Friends
I could write a novel about these people who have come into my life and I don’t think I could even come close to capturing the love and happiness that they give me.
I saw a quote from the movie Blue is the Warmest Color the other day and it had the phrase “infinite tenderness” in it. And it just clicked in my head. That is what I have and will always have for my friends. Infinite tenderness. Your friends know who you are, every crack, every crevice, every good thing, and every black cloud. And they love you for it. Not in spite of these things, but because of them. I don’t think it gets better than that.
So…being honest, this post actually really helped.
So, if you ever find yourself with your own black cloud, ya know, go to wordpress.com, start your own blog, write a post about things that make you stupid happy, get distracted googling the images to go with your blog, cry because certain images make you really happy, listen to Fall Out Boy on Spotify during this whole ordeal, debate what to eat for dinner, proofread your blog (albeit probably not very well), and VOILA! Your black cloud won’t be as black!
James really is magic!