My Insane Christmas List

Every year since I can remember, I have always known what I’ve wanted for Christmas. One year it was a puppy (check), then American Girl Dolls (specifically Molly, c’mon, don’t waste my time) (check), then Bath and Body Works roll-on glitter and lip gloss (check and check), then a cell phone (check, KRZR, bitches) and so on and so forth. I’ve never been one of those people who has trouble coming up with things they need or want. Selfish? Sure. Greedy? Maybe. But come on!! It’s not a crime for a girl to know what she wants in life! As the years go on though, I have found my Christmas list has become less and less about material goods. This year, I actually had a hard time thinking of things when family asked me what I wanted. “Um, a sweater from Urban Outfitters and Guardians of the Galaxy on DVD, I guess?” is what I believe I actually said. Things like being able to fly home for Christmas to see family and friends has taken precedence over roll-on glitter. Who knew this day would come?!

So I began to think. What if Santa was real? In movies and TV shows, they seem to make Santa this omniscient being who has unlimited power and abilities. Seriously. Watch any tv show where they flirt with the idea that Santa might be real. They let him pull off the most insane presents and gestures. I’m looking at you, Rugrats Christmas Special and The Santa Clause. Well, alright then, fat man! If you are listening, I have some requests. Settle in, this may take a minute.

Separate idea for a blog post: Was I weirdly attracted to or repulsed by Bernard the Elf in The Santa Clause?

5. Definitively know my Hogwarts house and Patronus

It’s no secret how much I love the world of Harry Potter. Santa, you should know this by now because one year, you gave me Harry, Ron, and Hermione action figures as well as a package of Bertie Bott’s every flavor jelly beans. So this year, I would like you to definitively, 100%, no questions asked, figure out what house I would be in if I had gone to Hogwarts.

I wore this to my real life, actual job the day the final Harry Potter movie came out in 2011. WHAT A LOSER….SAID NO ONE, I AM AWESOME.

I’ve always believed I would be a Gryffindor for a number of reasons and not just because “it’s the one Harry was in”. First of all, any chump would know that I would want to be in whatever house Ron Weasley was in and secondly, I don’t belong anywhere else. I’m witty, but I don’t value it enough to be placed in Ravenclaw. I can be manipulative if I want to be, but I’m not ambition hungry enough to be in Slytherin. And I’d be too busy making fun of Hufflepuffs to actually be sorted there, so, we’re obviously left with Gryffindor. I took the Pottermore quiz the minute it was available for beta testing and was placed in Gryffindor, but that’s an internet quiz. Not that I don’t place value on it, I just want a real answer.



While we’re on it, I would also really like to know what my Patronus would be. To fully understand what a Patronus is, we look to the Harry Potter wiki:

“This ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it.

So. There’s the rub, Santa. I can’t really know what my Patronus would be until I conjure it (or until JK Rowling decides). I have a theory that it would be a small dog who barks a lot for it’s size and believes itself to be much bigger than it actually is. But, alas, that is only a theory.

4. A Rap Duet (Collab?) with Childish Gambino

Aside from Fall Out Boy and musical theater, rap and hip/hop music is truly “my jam”. I believe I officially got on the train in 6th grade when for my birthday, I asked Eddie to burn me a Snoop Dogg mix CD. Why Snoop Dogg? I have no idea. I thought he seemed clever. You would think living so close to Detroit that my first real experience with rap would have come from Eminem but nope! Not this weirdo! Eddie burned me the CD and I just went from there. I (and probably millions of other people) have always thought the coolest part of rap is when the artist can layer the lyrics so perfectly together and go a completely different direction than you thought they would. In the last few years, no one has done this better than Childish Gambino aka the actor from Community, Donald Glover.

Let’s take a closer look at a few of his lyrics to really see how clever he is, shall we? I would copy and paste whole songs of his here if I could, but I don’t know if any of you punk-ass bitches could handle his dope rhymes! (Also my mom would probably yell at me because of all the swear words). From the first song of his that I ever heard of his, Freaks and Geeks:

“This beat is a disaster, 9/11 this track
Rappers wanna battle me, I have to mail their heads back
And my clique make that dinero, so it’s time to meet the f*ckers
I am runnin’ this bitch, you are just a dog walker”

I realize it’s not Shakespeare, but it’s pretty freakin’ great. For as long as I have loved rap, I have taken it on myself to do my best to learn every single detail of every word in each song I like. I don’t know what I’m expecting. Maybe that someday, someone will see me on the street and say “Hi there! You really look like someone who knows every word to the Lil Wayne/Eminem song ‘Drop the World’. May I hear you rap it for me???” Then I drop whatever I’m doing and FLAWLESSLY rap the entire song. Then the stranger says “Wow, that was amazing! Would you like to meet Drake??? He’s a close, personal friend of mine and he was telling me the other day that he would like to meet a beautiful little person girl and marry her!” And then Drake and I live happily ever after! THAT’S WHAT IS AT STAKE HERE, PEOPLE.


This could be Drake and I on our honeymoon. He’s obvi obsessed with me.

But, I digress. For my next wish, Santa, I would like to perform on a rap track with Childish Gambino. I already know how you can make this happen. Pretty much every time I go out to karaoke with friends, I rap. I love singing but I just feel more confident expressing myself through a fast-talking male perspective. So here’s how we do it: I go out with friends and somehow end up rapping Childish Gambino’s Sweatpants onstage. Someone in audience knows Donald/Childish. They record me, they show it to him, he’s CRAZY impressed, demands to meet me, we hit it off, bada-bing-bada-boom, I’m on his next album. Simple.

3. To Never Have the Bottoms of My Pants Get Wet in the Rain.

 Santa, this one is on you. I have no idea how to accomplish this. I won’t wear shorts all the time and this has got to stop. I guess just get me 7 different pairs of boots that never let water in but aren’t rain boots?

2. To See Matt Smith Live in American Psycho

It is again no secret, Santa, that I love Doctor Who and Matt Smith. I’ve written about him a lot and you even had your proxy (my secret Santa and best friend, Mia) give me a Doctor Who necklace for Christmas this year.

He’s just the best!!

As you may or may not know, after Matt finished his run on Doctor Who, he went on to star as Patrick Bateman in the musical version of American Psycho in London. So one of my favorite actors playing the lead character from one of my favorite movies IN A MUSICAL?! YES PLEASE.

And the yuppie serial killer could not be a more different first role since leaving Doctor Who.

 Matt was only in the production from December 13-January 25 of 2013-2014 and NO ONE has uploaded a quality bootleg of his performance to YouTube yet! The music was done by Duncan Sheik who also did the music for another one of my favorite musicals, Spring Awakening. Really, Santa, this whole thing has my name written all over it. Obviously, I was unable to make it to London to see this at the time, so I would like you to figure out a way to revive the entire production including Matt, for at least one night, so I can see it. Thanks in advance!

The production runs at London's Ameida Theatre until January 25.

1. The Magical O-House

And finally, we arrive at the magical O-House. I’ll explain since no one except Kelly, Kerri, and Nick really know what the magical O-House is. Senior year of college, Kelly, Kerri, myself and 5 other girls lived in one of the Albion sanctioned houses called “The O-House”. It was a big, beautiful, white house with four bedrooms, a kitchen, dining and family room all on the second floor. They had all of that stuff on the first floor too, but we lived on the second so that’s what I’m familiar with. It was cramped for 8 girls.

This isn’t at the o-House, but look at those people! So cozy and lovely!

One day when I was quite homesick for Detroit, Kelly and I conjured up the idea of the magical O-House. It would basically be the exact house we lived in, but only Nick, Kelly, Kerri and I would live there. Sound magical yet? No? Just wait. Instead of having functioning closets in each room, our closet doors would actually lead to other cities in the world of our choosing. So my closet door would go to Los Angeles, Kelly’s would go to New York, Kerri’s would go to Boston, and Nick’s would go to wherever he decided. My vote is for Disney World or London. The actual house would live somewhere in Michigan. So, we could all live together and see each other all the time and then still continue our lives in the cities of our choosing. Kerri could still teach and Boston and I could still work, act, and bug my friends in LA. It is far and away the best idea we have ever had. Since Kerri got married, we decided that she and Mike can live on the first floor of the magical O-House. We know they’ll want their privacy and taking over the first floor means we get more closets to more cities. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES!!

What follows are fun pictures of us in the real O-House (not magical):

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Santa, I don’t know how you’re going to pull off the magical O-House but I need it to happen STAT. Just leave the keys to it in my stocking and I’ll put extra chocolate chips in the cookies this year. Seems like a fair trade.

Merry Christmas, Santa! I’d say see you soon, but I know the rules. I’ll be sleeping when you get here. Say what up to Prancer for me.

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